A change of approach

I was pretty sure I’d got parenting nailed…… I mean don’t get me wrong, parenting wasn’t anywhere close to how I had imagined it, but generally my eldest son was a pretty straightforward baby and toddler. This was during the era of Gina Ford, and Supernanny which firmly cemented in place my preconceived ideas around parenting of routine, rewards, consequences, naughty steps and a no nonsense approach. What embedded my beliefs around parenting even more was the fact that they worked, they worked really well!

So when N came along and settled very easily into our already established routine I really felt like I was winning at life.

Boy, was I in for the shock of my life!

I lived in this fairly blissful state for about a year, until around the time N started walking and talking and gaining a little influence over his life. Fairly suddenly and spectacularly it felt like everything was falling apart, and that everything I knew stopped working. I remember it feeling like a whirlwind where suddenly everything seemed to have become very challenging. I was working 3 days a week at the time, and just getting out the door in the mornings felt like I had done 5 rounds in the boxing ring. If you want to read more about our early experiences head over to this blog post here. What was this madness I was experiencing? I was dealing with extreme challenging behaviour, an increasingly aggressive child, and no ability to discipline and teach this child what he was expected to do. Of course society and professionals encourage you to discipline more, set firmer boundaries and suggest parenting courses, but the more I did this the worse and worse things got. By the age of 7 years old we were at crisis point. It wasn’t long after that someone said to me the words that changed our lives which were “have you heard of PDA?” (If you are new to PDA you can find a good description here)

I spent the next weeks and months researching, joining support groups and asking questions. I was surprised and relieved to find something different to what I had experienced before, and suggestions that actually made sense when it came to my child. They were suggestions that really got me questioning my values and expectations as a parent, which helped me start to see a different way. At some point along our journey we also came across the Ross Greene - “Lives in the Balance” videos on YouTube which I remember being the key point at which everything made sense and slotted into place. I still watch them every now and then even though I know the videos well, just to remind myself of that moment and reexperience the emotions I felt at the time.

So let’s get down to business and talk about what does and doesn’t work with PDA

With PDA it’s not so much a set of strategies, but more an approach with a toolbox full of ideas, knowledge and understanding that you can draw on at any given moment. What works one day might not work the next day or next week, but it might work again another time just when you feel you have run out of options.

It’s probably easier to begin with some ideas about what doesn’t work which I have summarised in the visual below.

So now we have looked at what doesn’t work, let’s look at some of the helpful approaches:

LOWERING DEMANDS AND EXPECTATIONS - Get rid of what you can and only keep what’s necessary. At times dropping ALL demands might be necessary. You can receive the Managing Demands and Expectations Resource Pack completely free here.

PICKING BATTLES - ask yourself does this really matter in the grand scheme of things, is it worth picking this battle?

LETTING GO - Let go of the idea that you are giving in or letting them get away with things

BEING MORE FLEXBLE - Meeting rigid inflexible thinking with rigid inflexible thinking gets us nowhere.

UNDERSTAND WHY - why is this important to the child, can you put yourself in their perspective?

CHANGING LANGUAGE - declarative language can be helpful, being less direct with requests, “I wonder if….” etc

STOP SAYING NO - there are tons of ways to say no without saying “NO!”, and if you can say yes, say “YES!” (Find out how to stop saying “No!” and start saying “yes” more, here)

THROW OUT THE PARENTING MANUAL - Typical parenting techniques don’t tend to work and often make things worse

TRY TO RESOLVE THINGS COLLABORATIVELY - Allow all to give their perspective, respect and try to find a way that works for all

STAY OUTWARDLY CALM EVEN WHEN YOU’RE READY TO EXPLODE YOURSELF - This can be hard but so important so we don’t add fuel to the fire.

OFFER LIMITED CHOICE - too little choice takes away the control that they need, too much choice can feel overwhelming. Try and figure out what works well for your child. Usually 2-3 choices, or choice within an expectation (e.g. would you like your bath before or after dinner/tonight or tomorrow night?)

THINK ABOUT TRANSITION - make the activity they are transitioning to a better offer or more appealing than the last one. Give warnings but be flexible around the deadline to take into account things that are important to the child (Like getting to a save point in the game before turning off)

SUPPORT SENSORY NEEDS - individuals can be sensory seekers or sensory avoiders. Learn about their sensory needs and offer sensory equipment and activities

REDUCE TIME PRESSURE - Time can be a massive demand which is often loaded on top of existing demands and expectations. Allow more time, don’t rush, and try not to pass on your own anxiety around being late.

Obviously this is just a small snapshot, but I hope that it gives an idea around the approach that is needed.

If you are looking for some further guidance around supporting PDA at home, don’t hesitate to take a look at our membership options here and book in for a free initial consultation here.