Being a SEN Parent is Hard…..and that’s ok
What would we say if we spoke the absolute truth about our lives? Would we be frowned upon or labelled as negative? Would our experiences and feelings be disregarded because because we are parents and are expected to just get on with it, suck it up, and do what it takes without complaining? Are parents’ experiences of parenting a child with a disability invalid?
The answer to this is should most definitely be “No!”, but for me over the years I have rarely expressed the full extent of my experiences of being a parent of autistic children because that is exactly how it can feel.
This is not a pity party post. This does not disregard or take away from the challenges that my children experience first hand every day, but I do as a parent have experiences and feelings that are valid and I have a right to be able to express them without fear of judgement or criticism. I am 100% grateful for my life experience that having children has given me, but that does not mean that I am not allowed to say that it’s been hard. In fact if I was being totally truthful, for a long time it was really shit. We had reached crisis point several years ago, after a long time struggling and things escalating, and I was finding it difficult to cope. Hardly anyone knew how serious it was. I still painted a smile on my face every morning and told everyone I was ok, and kept on going. I felt huge shame around what was going on at home, mostly at myself as I felt completely inadequate as a parent. I knew my parenting was being questioned, I knew people didn’t understand and I knew we were being talked about behind our backs. It felt like there was no safe outlet for our truth to be expressed. Even among the SEN community where it does feel safer to do so, I am still fairly cautious over how in depth I share things. At times things can still be a bit shit. I still at times shut down and cry, or scream and lose my temper. I still feel like its too hard sometimes or too much for me. However once past that moment of overwhelm, I reset and regain composure and move forward. The problem is that battling on and staying strong for too long can start to impact your mental health.
We need to change the narrative around parenting in general, but especially for those parents of SEN children. We need to start openly talking about our experiences and the challenges we face as parents. We need to normalise the reality that parenting is hard, and that not everything has to be perfect. Society has created an image of what perfect parenting is, and what the perfect family looks like. Social media portrays perfect lives, families spending glorious days out together, smiling, laughing having fun. No one really talks about the hard stuff. There is an unwritten rule that if you’re not rocking it as a parent then you’re doing something wrong, or you aren’t good enough. Your parenting or your lifestyle gets criticised, and judged. So as a SEN parent where life can be extra challenging we tend to feel even more unable to express our realities, at least to the full extent. We feel scared to say exactly what’s going on for us because in doing so we are opening ourselves up, and making ourselves vulnerable to all of these things, not only from those around us, but from professionals too. There is too much shame and feeling of inadequacy around parent’s who are struggling with their children and it needs to stop. They need to be able to express their feelings and experiences without fear of judgement or criticism. They need to be able to stop being the “strong parent” just for a moment and let go, and feel safe to do so.
Positively PDA prides itself on creating not judgemental and supportive spaces for both parents and neurodivergent individuals. If you would like to talk about your current experiences and get some non-judgmental guidance, book a FREE initial consultation with me.