Rules & Boundaries in PDA

Rules and boundaries in PDA is a topic that creates a LOT of conflict and confusion. Society perceives that a “good parent” has plenty of rules and boundaries in place, and that the parent maintains those rules and boundaries at all costs.

Society (and social media) is also responsible for depicting what a “good and effective childhood” looks like. Things like quiet, well mannered, well behaved children; children who attend well and do well in school; children who take part in extra curricular clubs or activities; children who do regular chores to help around the house; children who go to bed early; limited screen time; family holidays and days out; children who do their homework …..and so much more. So rules and boundaries tend to revolve around getting children to do these things, and tend to be encouraged by praise and rewards, and discouraged through being spoken to or told off, and consequences. There is a fear that if we as parents, back down on our rules, boundaries, and consequences (even once) that we will lose control over our children and they will learn that we are inconsistent and push our boundaries more.

So when we look at PDA, we know that a many of our kids have massive challenges with a lot of the things mentioned above that depict a “good and effective childhood”. We also know that these challenges are driven by anxiety, avoidance and a fear of losing autonomy and control, and that encouraging and pressuring a PDA child into compliance only increases the anxiety, avoidance and fear because it increases the demand. We have to change to the way we view the situation, and how we approach it. Typically this means lowering demands and expectations, supporting sensory needs and an educational environment that is suited to the child’s needs, to lower anxiety levels. There can be a fear here because a low demand lifestyle often means slackening the rules, and letting things go which goes against societal norms and raises concerns over “what if it makes things worse?”, “how will they learn to do things?”, “how will they grow into a functioning adult?”, “what will other people think?”

Most parent’s of PDAers understand why rules, rewards and consequences don’t work and are open to adopting low demand approaches but can become confused about how they manage and respond to unwanted behaviour. There is a conflict between “bad behaviour needs a response that teaches them that it is not ok” and “how do I achieve that without rules, rewards and consequences?”

The first step towards this is to remember that behaviour is a form of communication and that generally speaking the unwanted behaviour is a result of not having the skills to respond in a different way. Therefore, we need to understand what it is communicating, and what skills are missing, rather than expecting them to do better, simply by telling them it is not ok or giving them a consequence. Neither a talking to or a consequence is going to tell us what they are trying to communicate, or what skill they need in order to respond differently in a situation.

The second step is to understand that even if we are dropping rules to help support a low demand lifestyle, boundaries are still important, because there are certain things that are not ok.

So what is the difference between a rule and a boundary? In my mind a rule is something that is imposed on the child that has a consequence if broken, and a boundary is something we create around ourselves.

I am going to give an example below to try and demonstrate the difference.

So let’s look at a common problem, around hitting.

Rule

You are not allowed to hit me. When you hit me you will lose your xbox for the rest of the day.

The problem with this or a similar rule is that,
1. the hitting is likely a result of dysregulation and something they are struggling to control.
2. they don’t know how to do something different
3. imposing the consequence will likely escalate the situation.
4. once the xbox is removed what happens if they hit again?
5. the consequence doesn’t teach them the skill needed to do things better, or tell us what they are communicating.

Boundary

I am not ok with being hit, it doesn’t feel safe. I will remove myself from the situation until it is safe, and then when things are calm we can figure out what went wrong.

Although removing yourself from the situation may trigger an escalation initially, you are able to maintain the boundary in a way that is safe, until things calm down. The boundary is less focussed on their behaviour and is simply acknowledging the situation and what will happen. There is no blame. It is solution focussed; you are going to figure things out together, and acknowledge your own part in what went wrong and see how you might both do things differently next time.

*this particular example might not be relevant to everyone, but is a way of showing the difference in approaches It can be adapted to suit your family.

There is so much more to talk about on this topic as it crosses over with low demand parenting in general, and understanding exactly what that means and knowing which demands to let go of, which to keep but approach differently, and which onrd become boundaries.

If you are interested in understanding more about rules and boundaries or low demand parenting, please book in for a free initial consultation here to chat through your situation and the resources and support available.